“So they’re going to attack the moon, and they’re going to be looking for water. And I thought, well, that’s pretty much sounds like our government — bomb first, look for evidence later. That’s the way we do business.” – David Letterman

“Nobel Prizes in science were awarded yesterday, and the three winners in physics are known as the ‘masters of light.’ Not to be confused with Dick Cheney, known as the ‘prince of darkness.’” – David Letterman

“Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he’s not too busy with the two wars he’s conducting.” – Bill Maher

“And according to USA Today, car thefts are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it.” – Jay Leno

“One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called ‘Barackula.’ Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called ‘Dick Cheney.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, ‘The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.’” – Conan O’Brien

“In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn’t sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it’s totally different.” – Jay Leno

“It’s getting nasty. Cheney said that when it comes to Afghanistan, Obama seems to be ‘afraid.’ Afraid? Isn’t Cheney the one that was hiding in the underground bunker?” – Jay Leno

“Well, according to CBS News, President Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush in nearly three years. Actually, Obama’s a good golfer. You know what his handicap is? Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno

“Some people are already criticizing the Obama’s decision to cut the pay of the executives at companies that received bailout money. They say this could cause a lot of these guys to quit. Because you wouldn’t want to lose the geniuses who lost us hundreds of billions of dollars.” – Jay Leno

David Letterman: But…on Martha’s Vineyard, they’re serving a new drink inspired by Obama – it’s an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit doesn’t look so bad.

Conan O’Brien: The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on Martha’s Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. … That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama.

Bill Maher: So they’re going to have a run off election in Afghanistan. That’s when the Taliban shows up and everyone runs off.

Bill Maher: That is what American democracy has come down to at town halls: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. Somebody yelled AK-47, and an old lady yelled bingo.

Dave Letterman: 90% of all paper money in this country has traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money.

Conan O’Brien: President Obama was in Montana today. That’s right. He met with residents, he held a town meeting and then he went fly-fishing. It’s true. Montana residents came from miles around for the once in a lifetime chance to see a black guy fly-fishing.

Bill Maher: And who put this idea in their heads? Sarah Palin, who has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I’m serious. She’s on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day, a social networking site for teenagers.

Stephen Colbert: I am ecstatic. We are close to defeating President Obama’s evil plan to keep people healthy. The president is so desperate that he resorted to publishing an op-ed called ‘Why We Need Health Care Reform’ in yesterday’s New York Times. Textbook sign of surrender. … Of course the president blamed our problems on the health insurance industry, but where is the balance? Why won’t the Times print the insurance companies editorials, like this one I got today. Dear Mr. Colbert, we regret to inform you that we cannot cover your hip surgery due to your pre-existing wrist injury.

Conan O’Brien: Tomorrow, President Obama is taking his family to Yellowstone Park, to see Old Faithful. … Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton returns from overseas to see Old Unfaithful.

Jimmy Fallon: “ohn Edwards…finally admitted that he’s the father of his mistress’ baby after denying it for over a year. So, it’s a pretty classic case of whoever denied it, supplied it.

Jay Leno: “The federal government announced today that the recession ended back in November of 2001. It ended two years ago! Be sure to pass that on to all your unemployed friends. So you know what that means? The past twenty months of job layoffs, corporate bankruptcies and declining stocks, those were the good times. We should have been living it up.”

Conan O’Brien: “Psychologists say that people are cutting back on gifts and they say this year the holidays will be more about spending time with family. Experts say this is what’s known as a ‘lose – lose.’”

Conan O’Brien: “President-elect Barack Obama says that he is united with President Bush’s administration on doing everything they can to fix the economy. When asked about it, President Bush replied, ‘What he said,’ and then went back to packing.”

Conan O’Brien: “It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, ‘Wait. You mean that wasn’t lemon Tang?’”

Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, ‘For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.’ Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats.”

Conan O’Brien: “Everyone’s talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer’s lot.”

Conan O’Brien: “When they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Yeah. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.”

Craig Ferguson: Barack Obama “was briefed this morning on the state of the economy, and this afternoon, he called McCain to offer him the presidency.”

Craig Ferguson: Sarah Palin “went back to Alaska. As she got off the plane yesterday, her supporters chanted ‘2012, 2012.’ When McCain got off the plane, they chanted, ‘Use the handrail, use the handrail. Careful, grandpa.’”

David Letterman: “There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said ‘Oh, you mean we caught him?’”

Conan O’Brien: “Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: ‘Have you ever been videotaped screaming ‘God damn America!’?”

Conan O’Brien: “This is true, according to a new report, I was reading this today in the paper, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. That’s true. Yeah, after hearing this, Sarah Palin told Bristol, ‘Don’t even think about it.’”

Jay Leno: “Well, according to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. It says she’s been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats.”

Jay Leno: “It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, ‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.”

David Letterman: “And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, ‘Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?’ And Cheney said: ‘Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, President Bush was in New York, and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other major problems facing the country. That’s right. The speech was called ‘So Long Suckers.’”

Jay Leno: “The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money.”

Jay Leno: “Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can’t email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch.”

David Letterman: “Is it chilly outside today? I’m telling you, coming to work today, it was so cold, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test.”

Jay Leno: “It’s now being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually, this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs.”

Jay Leno: Once Barack Obama “becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. So, it looks like America’s ready for a black president. We’re just not ready for a BlackBerry president.”

Jay Leno: “Rumor is that General Motors will run out of money very soon, unless the government helps them out with a bailout. Isn’t that amazing? I mean, all those times a car salesman told you he was losing money on the deal, he wasn’t lying.”

Jay Leno: “Executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, ‘Cars use oil.’”

Jay Leno: “International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don’t have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it’s kind of a wash”

Jay Leno: “According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you’ve got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury.”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama is in Afghanistan. Bill Clinton went with him. At least that’s what he told Hillary.

Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush’s time in office as ‘a total failure.’ Bush defended himself, saying, ‘Oh come on, I hardly spent any time in my office.’”

Alex Kaseberg: “It was so hot in Washington, Jesse Jackson went to the Barack Obama campaign headquarters just for the cold stares.”

Doug Austen: “When asked if he saw ‘The Dark Knight’ President Bush replied that he hadn’t seen Dick Cheney all weekend.”

Conan O’Brien: “John McCain in the news for the second time. For the second time in two days, John McCain has referred to current events in Czechoslovakia, a country that officially ceased to exist in 1993. Yeah. Afterwards, McCain said, ‘You know, the same thing happened the last time I went to Mesopotamia.”

Jay Leno: “And John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It’s eight.”

Jay Leno: “The Dalai Lama says while he loves President Bush, he feels President Bush has a lack of understanding about reality. And in response, President Bush said today, ‘Yeah, right, like there’s such a thing as a talking llama.’”

David Letterman: “Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. A lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson’s tour bus.”

Conan O’Brien: “Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it’s something he would never use. … Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House Library.”

Conan O’Brien: “This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. … Yeah, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who Have Been Attacked by Hillary Clinton.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush went to Iowa today.” He “wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people in Iowa were a little confused. They weren’t sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods or his presidency. Which one?”

Jay Leno: Barack Obama has said he will visit Iraq. Or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia.

Jay Leno: A new poll shows less than 1 out of 4 Americans now thinks President Bush is doing a good job. That means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table who thinks he’s doing a good job.

David Letterman: The Mars Lander has found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Now, it’s looking for tequila.

Conan O’Brien: Residents of a Romanian village decided to re-elect their dead mayor rather than elect the younger one running against him. When he heard about it, John McCain said, “That’s a good sign.”

Conan O’Brien: “John McCain’s in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One.”

Jay Leno: “It was quite a weekend, politically. Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the the Willamette River. … And if you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Amazing!”

Conan O’Brien: Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. In other words, it’s a choice between the Hillary defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter.

Conan O’Brien: In California, a high school student who’s an illegal immigrant is about to be deported, but since he’s the school’s valedictorian, he’s asking President Bush to help. Bush told the valedictorian, “Don’t worry, I’ll never let them send you back to Valedictoria.”

Jimmy Kimmel: Everyone’s wondering if Obama will ask her to be his running mate. He actually tried to call her last night – twice. He got her answering machine. I guess she only takes calls at 3 a.m.

David Letterman: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, would that be a good ticket? Would you folks like that ticket? I think this would be the first — if you think about it — first combination of an African-American man and a white woman since… well… Michael Jackson.

Conan O’Brien: “Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are, ‘infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial and inconsequential.’ That’s what he said, yeah. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‘That guy knows way too many words to be president.’”

Conan O’Brien: “After dropping out of the race on Saturday, Hillary Clinton has been staying home and has canceled all of her public appearances. As a result, Bill Clinton has had to cancel all of his private appearances.”

Jon Stewart: “You guys got it all wrong. He [Bush] doesn’t like war. He likes blowing things up!”

Conan O’Brien: Yesterday, true story, Barack Obama took a break from the campaign to take his family on a bike ride. It’s nice. Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain took his family for a ride on his rascal scooter.

Jay Leno: And Barack Obama took time off from campaigning to spend time with his family. In fact, he said on Saturday night he was going on a date with his wife — a date with his wife Michelle. When Bill Clinton heard that he said to Hillary, “We need to stay away from these people! They’re freaks!”

Conan O’Brien: “Tomorrow night on Fox News, Hillary Clinton is going to be making her first ever appearance on Bill O’Reilly’s show, ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ Yeah. Yeah, Hillary should do well, because she has years of experience yelling, ‘Shut up, Bill!’”

Jimmy Kimmel: “And [President Bush] wouldn’t come out and say there was a recession, but he did come out and say that he really doesn’t care that much anymore.”

Craig Ferguson: “Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. But she did not sign a prenup. Apparently, the family doesn’t believe in exit strategies.”

Conan O’Brien: Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word “Baruch,” which means “one who’s blessed.” That’s what he said, yeah, Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, “Hussein.”

O’Brien: This week, Barack Obama — true story — campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, adopted him — part of the ceremony. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain because they still remember when McCain took their land.

Jay Leno: “Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally” on the banks of the Willamette River. And “if you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with five loaves of bread and two fish.”

Jay Leno: “McCain also said the war in Iraq will be over by the year 2013, which is also when I think Hillary is expected to pull out of the race.”

Jay Leno: “Well, according to his tax returns, President Bush has lost money during his presidency. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, ‘Hey! Join the club, pal!’”

Craig Ferguson: A new economic study coming out today shows that women have an easier time getting a job than men. All except Hillary Clinton.

Conan O’Brien: The other day a man in London dressed as Darth Vader assaulted two men dressed as Jedi knights. He got drunk and assaulted two men dressed as Jedi knights. He was sentenced to two months in jail and 10 more years living in his parents’ basement.

Conan O’Brien: In Wisconsin, a driver took a wrong turn and crashed into the bathroom at a Taco Bell. The Taco Bell’s owner is calling it the second worst bathroom accident that day.

Jay Leno: “And the ambassador to Iraq said today there has been an economic revival in Baghdad. Well, nice to see Bush’s economic plan working out somewhere, isn’t it?”

Jay Leno: “Hey, good news for Hillary Clinton. You know Hillary’s ad where she says she’s ready to answer the phone at 3:00 a.m.? This is interesting. Today, she got a call from India, and they said if this presidential thing doesn’t work out, they have a job for her in tech support.”

Conan O’Brien: “The Elton John benefit concert, was apparently…a huge success — $2.5 million was raised for Hillary’s campaign. Yeah. Elton sang all his biggest hits for Hillary, except for ‘The Bitch Is Back.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Of course, a lot of controversy right now about China. During a speech, President Bush urged Chinese leaders to talk to the Dalai Lama and called him a really fine man. Cool. Yeah. Bush said, ‘I used to be reluctant to meet with him. Then I found out he was not a real llama.’“

Conan O’Brien: “In Germany, a woman went to a plastic surgeon to have her wrinkles removed. When she woke up, the doctor had given her breast implants. Afterwards, the doctor said, ‘Hey — no one’s looking at her wrinkles anymore.’”

Jay Leno: “You know, there’s talk in some Democratic circles of letting the states of Michigan and Florida re-vote. Today, Al Gore said, ‘Oh, now you think of this! Great!’”

Jay Leno: “High gas prices leave a bad taste in people’s mouths, have you noticed that? That’s mostly from the siphoning, but still it’s a horror. … In fact, gas is so expensive in L.A., now when you call 9-1-1, they ask you to meet the ambulance half way.”

Bill Maher: “At the press conference, they asked him about the fact gas is approaching $4. You know what Bush said? He said, ‘That’s interesting. I hadn’t heard that.’ See, Bush thinks a news conference is where reporters give him the news”

Jay Leno: “And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he’s running for president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can’t get rid of him. Every election year he pops up. He’s like the herpes of presidential candidates.”

Conan O’Brien: “I don’t know if you have seen this. It’s everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It’s been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers.”

Pedro Bartes: Daylight Saving Time begins this Sunday at 2:00 am. I don’t think Bush understands the concept of Daylight saving, because he encouraged Americans not to save but rather spend it.

Stephen Colbert: I’m not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan’s reanimated corpse. I just didn’t want it to be John McCain’s reanimated corpse.

Jake Novak: Dmitry Medvedev has won the Russian presidential election with 70 percent of the vote. In a related story, 30 percent of the Russian population is about to be executed.

Jimmy Kimmel: “Hillary Clinton is back in the hunt for the Democratic nomination. She won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas last night. A lot of people thought she would be done today, but just like Bill always says, Hillary does not go down without a fight.“

David Letterman: “The big, the new scandal breaking here in New York, Eliot Spitzer apparently involved in some kind of prostitution activities — you know what that means?: Hookers. And right now, Spitzer is huddling with his advisers to develop a drinking problem.”

Conan O’Brien: “John McCain just announced that later this month he might take a trip to Iraq. … Which might be a bad idea, because the last time McCain went to a war zone we didn’t hear from him for five years.”

Jay Leno: “According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers would vote. Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.”

Jay Leno: “So, let’s see, Jim McGreevey was having three-ways. Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes. The new governor, David Paterson, was having an affair. You realize the only politician in New York not getting any sex — Hillary Clinton.”

Conan O’Brien: “The Pentagon just published a report…that officially confirms that there was never any link between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda. … The report is entitled, ‘Oops, Our Bad.’”

Jay Leno: “This week, John McCain received a warm welcome in Israel. He was in Israel. You know, he is hugely popular in Israel ever since he stood with the Jewish people against the pharaoh. They’ve never forgotten.”

Conan O’Brien: “Well, of course, this Sunday is Easter. Of course, Easter is that very, very holy day when Christians around the world honor a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “In a speech to union leaders yesterday, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa and I think she’s right on with that comparison because people seem to forget — Rocky lost to a good-looking black guy.”

David Letterman: “I like John McCain. He reminds me of a guy who spends a lot of time in the yard with a hose. He’s looking for a vice presidential running mate. He needs a guy who is conservative, understands the economy and knows how to operate a defibrillator.”

Jay Leno: “While campaigning in Pennsylvania yesterday, Barack Obama told an eight-year-old boy if he wants to be president, he should work hard in school, get good grades and find a job that helps people. To which President Bush said, ‘That’s an April Fool’s joke, right?’”

Jay Leno: “God, he ran Cuba for almost 50 years. The political analysts are now debating what kind of changes the Cuban people will hope for. I’m going to guess maybe term limits?”

Jay Leno: “Do you realize when Castro came to power in 1959, John McCain was only 61 years old?”

David Letterman: “Experts believe that now that he has resigned,” Castro “will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro.”

Jay Leno: “Well, congratulations to the new nation of Kosovo. They gained their independence this week,” and, “of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard this. He said, ‘Independence? We haven’t even invaded them yet!’”