Jay Leno: “How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels, then it will get back in the community.”

Jay Leno: “Last night, Barack Obama held his first press conference as President of the United States,” and it was “fascinating because his press conferences are very different than the George Bush press conferences in many ways. There were verbs. There were syllables. There were complete sentences.”

Jay Leno: “Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neal has resigned. He didn’t want to resign, but there wasn’t any money left in the treasury so he’s got nothing to do.”

Jay Leno: “Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay has filed to run for governor of California. … Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state’s broke. If we’re going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?”

Jay Leno: “Down in Louisiana,” a “porn star named Stormy Daniels” announced that “before she commits to running for US Senate,” she will go “on a statewide listening tour.” Daniels added, and “I’m quoting” here, that she may “‘be a slut and a whore, but’” she is “‘not a criminal.’” But “this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three.”

Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, when President Obama — this is true — was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news,” and when “he heard about it, President Bush said, ‘See, it’s complicated, right? It’s not so easy. Doors are hard.’”