Late Night Pointen November 2008

Conan O’Brien: “In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama — there’s a town in Japan called Obama — say they’re going to invite Barack Obama to visit. Yeah. And actually, a similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected, and he was invited to Horndog, Thailand.”

Conan O’Brien: “Psychologists say that people are cutting back on gifts and they say this year the holidays will be more about spending time with family. Experts say this is what’s known as a ‘lose – lose.’”

Conan O’Brien: “President-elect Barack Obama says that he is united with President Bush’s administration on doing everything they can to fix the economy. When asked about it, President Bush replied, ‘What he said,’ and then went back to packing.”

Conan O’Brien: “It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, ‘Wait. You mean that wasn’t lemon Tang?’”

Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, ‘For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.’ Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats.”

Conan O’Brien: “Everyone’s talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer’s lot.”

Conan O’Brien: “When they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Yeah. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.”

Craig Ferguson: Barack Obama “was briefed this morning on the state of the economy, and this afternoon, he called McCain to offer him the presidency.”

Craig Ferguson: Sarah Palin “went back to Alaska. As she got off the plane yesterday, her supporters chanted ‘2012, 2012.’ When McCain got off the plane, they chanted, ‘Use the handrail, use the handrail. Careful, grandpa.’”

David Letterman: “There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said ‘Oh, you mean we caught him?’”

Conan O’Brien: “Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: ‘Have you ever been videotaped screaming ‘God damn America!’?”

Conan O’Brien: “This is true, according to a new report, I was reading this today in the paper, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. That’s true. Yeah, after hearing this, Sarah Palin told Bristol, ‘Don’t even think about it.’”

Jay Leno: “Well, according to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. It says she’s been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats.”

Jay Leno: “It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, ‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.”

David Letterman: “And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, ‘Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?’ And Cheney said: ‘Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, President Bush was in New York, and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other major problems facing the country. That’s right. The speech was called ‘So Long Suckers.’”

Jay Leno: “The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money.”

Jay Leno: “Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can’t email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch.”

David Letterman: “Is it chilly outside today? I’m telling you, coming to work today, it was so cold, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test.”

Jay Leno: “It’s now being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually, this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs.”

Jay Leno: Once Barack Obama “becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. So, it looks like America’s ready for a black president. We’re just not ready for a BlackBerry president.”

Jay Leno: “Rumor is that General Motors will run out of money very soon, unless the government helps them out with a bailout. Isn’t that amazing? I mean, all those times a car salesman told you he was losing money on the deal, he wasn’t lying.”

Jay Leno: “Executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, ‘Cars use oil.’”

Jay Leno: “International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don’t have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs.”

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