Late Night Pointen März 2008
Conan O’Brien: “A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they’ll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy.”
Conan O’Brien: “In Germany, a woman went to a plastic surgeon to have her wrinkles removed. When she woke up, the doctor had given her breast implants. Afterwards, the doctor said, ‘Hey — no one’s looking at her wrinkles anymore.’”
Jay Leno: “You know, there’s talk in some Democratic circles of letting the states of Michigan and Florida re-vote. Today, Al Gore said, ‘Oh, now you think of this! Great!’”
Jay Leno: “High gas prices leave a bad taste in people’s mouths, have you noticed that? That’s mostly from the siphoning, but still it’s a horror. … In fact, gas is so expensive in L.A., now when you call 9-1-1, they ask you to meet the ambulance half way.”
Bill Maher: “At the press conference, they asked him about the fact gas is approaching $4. You know what Bush said? He said, ‘That’s interesting. I hadn’t heard that.’ See, Bush thinks a news conference is where reporters give him the news”
Jay Leno: “And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he’s running for president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can’t get rid of him. Every election year he pops up. He’s like the herpes of presidential candidates.”
Conan O’Brien: “I don’t know if you have seen this. It’s everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It’s been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers.”
Pedro Bartes: Daylight Saving Time begins this Sunday at 2:00 am. I don’t think Bush understands the concept of Daylight saving, because he encouraged Americans not to save but rather spend it.
Stephen Colbert: I’m not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan’s reanimated corpse. I just didn’t want it to be John McCain’s reanimated corpse.
Jake Novak: Dmitry Medvedev has won the Russian presidential election with 70 percent of the vote. In a related story, 30 percent of the Russian population is about to be executed.
Jimmy Kimmel: “Hillary Clinton is back in the hunt for the Democratic nomination. She won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas last night. A lot of people thought she would be done today, but just like Bill always says, Hillary does not go down without a fight.“
David Letterman: “The big, the new scandal breaking here in New York, Eliot Spitzer apparently involved in some kind of prostitution activities — you know what that means?: Hookers. And right now, Spitzer is huddling with his advisers to develop a drinking problem.”
Conan O’Brien: “John McCain just announced that later this month he might take a trip to Iraq. … Which might be a bad idea, because the last time McCain went to a war zone we didn’t hear from him for five years.”
Jay Leno: “According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers would vote. Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.”
Jay Leno: “So, let’s see, Jim McGreevey was having three-ways. Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes. The new governor, David Paterson, was having an affair. You realize the only politician in New York not getting any sex — Hillary Clinton.”
Conan O’Brien: “The Pentagon just published a report…that officially confirms that there was never any link between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda. … The report is entitled, ‘Oops, Our Bad.’”
Jay Leno: “This week, John McCain received a warm welcome in Israel. He was in Israel. You know, he is hugely popular in Israel ever since he stood with the Jewish people against the pharaoh. They’ve never forgotten.”
Conan O’Brien: “Well, of course, this Sunday is Easter. Of course, Easter is that very, very holy day when Christians around the world honor a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “In a speech to union leaders yesterday, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa and I think she’s right on with that comparison because people seem to forget — Rocky lost to a good-looking black guy.”
David Letterman: “I like John McCain. He reminds me of a guy who spends a lot of time in the yard with a hose. He’s looking for a vice presidential running mate. He needs a guy who is conservative, understands the economy and knows how to operate a defibrillator.”
Jay Leno: “While campaigning in Pennsylvania yesterday, Barack Obama told an eight-year-old boy if he wants to be president, he should work hard in school, get good grades and find a job that helps people. To which President Bush said, ‘That’s an April Fool’s joke, right?’”