Late Night Pointen Juni 2008
David Letterman: “And now, of course, going head to head, you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They’re already putting together debates. Here’s how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question, he wants a five- minute nap.”
Conan O’Brien: “Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it’s something he would never use. … Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House Library.”
Conan O’Brien: “This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. … Yeah, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who Have Been Attacked by Hillary Clinton.”
Jay Leno: “President Bush went to Iowa today.” He “wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people in Iowa were a little confused. They weren’t sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods or his presidency. Which one?”
Jay Leno: Barack Obama has said he will visit Iraq. Or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia.
Jay Leno: A new poll shows less than 1 out of 4 Americans now thinks President Bush is doing a good job. That means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table who thinks he’s doing a good job.
David Letterman: The Mars Lander has found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Now, it’s looking for tequila.
Conan O’Brien: Residents of a Romanian village decided to re-elect their dead mayor rather than elect the younger one running against him. When he heard about it, John McCain said, “That’s a good sign.”
Conan O’Brien: “John McCain’s in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One.”
Jay Leno: “It was quite a weekend, politically. Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the the Willamette River. … And if you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Amazing!”
Conan O’Brien: Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. In other words, it’s a choice between the Hillary defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter.
Conan O’Brien: In California, a high school student who’s an illegal immigrant is about to be deported, but since he’s the school’s valedictorian, he’s asking President Bush to help. Bush told the valedictorian, “Don’t worry, I’ll never let them send you back to Valedictoria.”
Jimmy Kimmel: Everyone’s wondering if Obama will ask her to be his running mate. He actually tried to call her last night – twice. He got her answering machine. I guess she only takes calls at 3 a.m.
David Letterman: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, would that be a good ticket? Would you folks like that ticket? I think this would be the first — if you think about it — first combination of an African-American man and a white woman since… well… Michael Jackson.
Conan O’Brien: “Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are, ‘infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial and inconsequential.’ That’s what he said, yeah. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‘That guy knows way too many words to be president.’”
Conan O’Brien: “After dropping out of the race on Saturday, Hillary Clinton has been staying home and has canceled all of her public appearances. As a result, Bill Clinton has had to cancel all of his private appearances.”
Jon Stewart: “You guys got it all wrong. He [Bush] doesn’t like war. He likes blowing things up!”
Conan O’Brien: Yesterday, true story, Barack Obama took a break from the campaign to take his family on a bike ride. It’s nice. Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain took his family for a ride on his rascal scooter.
Jay Leno: And Barack Obama took time off from campaigning to spend time with his family. In fact, he said on Saturday night he was going on a date with his wife — a date with his wife Michelle. When Bill Clinton heard that he said to Hillary, “We need to stay away from these people! They’re freaks!”