Pointen Juni 2007

Conan O’Brien: “Very weird story from the White House. I don’t know if you’ve heard this. True story. Yesterday, at a press conference in the Rose Garden, President Bush was speaking when a bird pooped on him. That’s a true story. Konk! Yeah, and then, apparently, the bird spent the rest of the day high-fiving other birds.”
Conan O’Brien: “This week, Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter, Mary, and her partner, Heather, had a baby boy. That’s very nice. Yeah. Yeah, very nice. Afterwards, Dick Cheney teared up and said, ‘I’ve been asking her to bring a boy home for 30 years.’”
Conan O’Brien: “According to a new survey — check this out — Democrats in Washington are going on a lot more dates since they became the majority in Congress. Yeah, since they became the majority, they’re going on more dates. Which makes sense, ’cause there’s no bigger aphrodisiac than extremely limited legislative power.”
Jay Leno: “And there are three new books out this week about Hillary Clinton, one for each of her positions on the Iraq war.”
Conan O’Brien: “President Bush is in the Czech Republic right now. And today, he met with the Czech Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek. Yeah. Or, as Bush likes to call him, ‘Hey, Slugger.’”
Conan O’Brien: “During last night’s Democratic debate, all the candidates said that if they were elected, they would get rid of the military’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy for gay soldiers. … Yeah, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ will be replaced by the new policy, ‘don’t tell me you’re wearing those boots with that gun.’”
Craig Ferguson: “The Democrats had a big debate last night. Hillary Clinton and John Edwards got into a heated argument about foreign policy and then had slap-fight over who has prettier bangs. Of course, Edwards won.”
Jay Leno: “But you know you’ve got to give Paris Hilton credit. I mean, seriously. With all the issues dividing our country — the war, the Patriot Act, immigration, the deficit – there’s one thing everybody agrees on, she should be in jail. She’s brought the country together.”
Conan O’Brien: “This weekend, President Bush visited Albania, and everywhere his motorcade drove, he was greeted with cheers and applause. That’s right. Yeah, the Albanians were really excited and kept saying, ‘Look, a car!’”
Jay Leno: “One of our guests tonight could be the next president of the United States. … Fred Thompson on the show tonight. As you know, after leaving the Senate, Fred was a regular for years on ‘Law & Order.’” See, “that’s typical Hollywood typecasting. He’s a Republican — oh! — so Hollywood automatically puts him on ‘Law & Order.’ See, if he was a Democrat, he would have been the young stud pool boy on ‘Desperate Housewives.’”
Jay Leno: “And the richest president candidate appears to be Republican Mitt Romney from Massachusetts. He’s worth over $300 million. Yeah. He is so rich, even his butler is a Republican.”
David Letterman: “George Bush is traveling around Europe,” and a couple of days ago, “he’s touring through Albania and he’s shaking hands with people and somebody steals his wrist watch. … The Secret Service jumped right on it and turned in a description of the watch. Mickey’s gloves are white; his pants red, buttons are yellow.”
Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, President Bush gave a speech at a Republican luncheon where he pushed his immigration bill. Reportedly, the Republicans in attendance didn’t care for the speech, but the guys in the kitchen loved it.”
Jay Leno: “A Chinese court has jailed two officials for allowing a blind contractor to build a bridge which collapsed during construction, injuring 12 people. … And how ironic” it is that the blind contractor turned out to be “the same guy FEMA hired to inspect the levees in New Orleans.”
Jay Leno: The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb — a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical.
David Letterman: “But Bush’s watch was stolen, and I was going through the files, and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since, uh…well, Al Gore.”
Jay Leno: “And I guess you heard there was a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed, the whole computer system went down, pretty scary. They’re hoping to fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India.”
Conan O’Brien: “It’s been reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name…is ‘Renegade.’ Very cool, yeah. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is still using her old Secret Service name, ‘Ballbuster.’”
Jay Leno: “Thank you for coming out on such a hot day. … It was so hot, Vice President Dick Cheney had his chest opened just for ventilation.”
Jay Leno: “New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has quit the Republican Party” and “become an independent.” He “says he has no plans to be president. Now, don’t confuse that with President Bush, who has no plans as president.”
Craig Ferguson: “According to the story of Noah, people laughed at him while he was building his ark. He was preparing for climate change, he was like Al Gore. If Al Gore was building an ark, he would need five of every animal — two to repopulate the earth, three to eat.”
Conan O’Brien: In an essay published on Friday, Fidel Castro said that the U.S. will never have Cuba. Never have it? We already have it! It’s called “Miami.”

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