Pointen Februar 2007
Jay Leno: Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and, in a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that President Bush always forgets Valentine’s Day. The First Lady went on to say, “Unless a holiday has a bunny or a flying reindeer, forget it.”
Conan O’Brien: Earlier today, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney announced he’s running for president. If he wins, he’d be the first Mormon president. Apparently Romney is planning on winning the soccer mom vote by marrying all of them.
Conan O’Brien: According to a new survey, 26 percent of people say they have a crush on someone they work with. Unfortunately, the survey was taken at NASA.
Conan O’Brien: “Things getting very nasty in Washington today. Today, the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is ‘the worst foreign policy mistake in US history.’ They denied it, yeah. White House said, ‘You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.’ Give it time. Give it time.”
Conan O’Brien: “Speaking of the President, earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush’s head explode
Jay Leno: “President Bush announced today he will leave on a tour of Latin America. His first stop — Los Angeles.”
Jay Leno: “Well, here’s something scary. I never knew this, and apparently I guess this is true. Justice Department officials have determined that a President of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed. Did you know that? … No, if you’re the President, you can actually legally order the killing of someone in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary. He said, ‘That’s it. I don’t want to be involved with that.’”
Conan O’Brien: “This is a weird story. The government of Cuba says it is deporting a top Colombian drug lord to the United States. Yeah. This means the Cuban government is kicking out the one person in Cuba who doesn’t want to go to America.”
Conan O’Brien: An astronaut has been arrested for attacking another astronaut’s girlfriend with a BB gun, mallet and pepper spray after driving 900 miles wearing a diaper. After hearing about it, NASA officials said: “We may need to add a new question to the astronaut entrance exam.”
Conan O’Brien: Due to recent riots, an Italian soccer league is forcing teams to play games with no fans in the stadium. Which, coincidentally, is how soccer games are played here in America.
Conan O’Brien: Thirty percent of people surveyed say the hardest thing to do is to quit smoking, followed by saving for retirement. Those are the two hardest. Well, there’s an easy solution: Just don’t quit smoking and you don’t have to worry about retirement.
Conan O’Brien: “It seems very early to me, but Hillary Clinton already campaigning hard in Iowa. Did you know about this? She’s in Iowa right now. And yesterday was interesting. Yesterday, on a campaign trip, Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men like Osama bin Laden because she had to put up with her husband. Yeah, which explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters.”
Conan O’Brien: “Iran is getting involved in Iraq. Officials in Iran say they’re planning to open a branch of the Iranian national bank in Baghdad. That’s right. Anyone who opens a new account at the Baghdad branch will receive 72 virgins and a toaster.”
Conan O’Brien: “Police in Kentucky arrested a man who had over 80 pounds of marijuana hidden in his car’s tires. Yeah. Yeah, police became suspicious when they saw Snoop Dogg chasing the car for two miles.”
Conan O’Brien: “Muslim-American groups are angry over the way Muslims are portrayed on the new season of the Fox drama, ‘24.’ Yeah. Yeah, a spokesman for Fox said, ‘If Muslims are upset about that they should see how they’re portrayed on Fox News.’”
Conan O’Brien: “In Cambodia, a woman was found who lived alone in the jungle for 20 years and who speaks an unintelligible language. They don’t know what she’s saying, yeah. Experts are predicting the woman will soon move to America and become the next governor of California.”
Conan O’Brien: “Vice President Dick Cheney’s former chief of staff is on trial for perjury. And his lawyer says he only going to select jurors who have a favorable opinion of Dick Cheney. Yeah. Experts predict that the jury will consist of 11 vampires and a werewolf.“
Conan O’Brien: “Former President Bush — former President Bush announced that he’s planning on celebrating his 85th birthday by jumping out of a plane. Yeah, so — so for a few minutes, there will be two George Bushes in freefall.“
Jay Leno: “And the U.S. Border Patrol has discovered a tunnel that went from a house in Nogales, Arizona, all the way under the Mexican border into Mexico. Border agents first got suspicious when they noticed every morning, 300 Wal-Mart employees would leave the house and go to work.“
Jay Leno: “Well, today, earlier tonight — in fact, right as we’re speaking, President Bush announced he is creating 20,000 new jobs. They were all in Iraq, but…”
Jay Leno: “You know, this — I guess President Bush wants to send in 20,000 more troops to Iraq because he believes it will stop the fighting. Stop the fighting in Iraq? We can’t even stop the fighting between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump, okay.”
Jay Leno: “The U.S. submarine, the Newport News, collided with a Japanese oil tanker in the Straits of Hormuz. When he heard about it, President Bush immediately called and asked if the oil was okay.”