Pointen April 2007

Jay Leno: “Vice President Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq today. Great, the one place we need him firing off his gun, he doesn’t bring it.”

Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. Isn’t that nice? Yeah. Yeah, when the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, ‘Great. I love Pokemon. Machu Picchu’s my favorite.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Speaking of politics, yesterday, Bill Clinton announced he’ll be traveling to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia, Boris Yeltsin. Yeah. At least, that’s what he’s telling Hillary.”

Conan O’Brien: “President Bush is spending six days at his ranch in Texas. He says he will not — he will not attend the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Yeah. When asked why, the President said, ‘Someone ruined it last year by inviting a bunch of children.’ He didn’t — yeah. He was mad about that.”

Craig Ferguson: “The big movie opening today, ‘Grindhouse.’ The big movie. Rose McGowan plays a girl with a machine gun leg. Dick Cheney’s dream girl right there.”

Jay Leno: “Oh, did you hear about this? According to ‘US News & World Report,’ plans are under way for a movie about the Clinton Whitewater scandal. Remember that? It’s been a long time. And they’re trying to get Charlize Theron to play Susan McDougal. Remember, she was in the one who went to jail for that. Trying to get Charlize Theron to play her. And if that happens, Bill Clinton will play himself.”

Jay Leno: “Well, the big issue in this year’s campaign is how many of these presidential candidates are guys that are divorced? Some of them two and three times. Do you think that hurts the candidate? Do you? No? See, I think it gives them valuable experience. They know how to negotiate with the enemy.”

Jay Leno: “Oh, Hillary and Bill Clinton appeared together at a fundraiser in New York last weekend. And they’re appearing again this weekend. Bill wants to be there, because — you know, to support her campaign. And she wants Bill there because it’s spring break.”

Jay Leno: “And former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said today the toughest part about getting married to his current wife was finding a wedding song they both hadn’t used before.”

Conan O’Brien: Earlier today, the world’s largest airliner flew from Europe to New York and the plane’s wingspan is as wide as a football field. In fact, the plane is so big it can carry 500 passengers or 80 Americans.

Conan O’Brien: Sources at the Pentagon say that several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. Because Americans only want two things from Iraq: a stable central government and affordable quality menswear.

Conan O’Brien: Wal-Mart is now denying reports that they are planning on setting up their own bank. Wal-Mart wanted to open bank branches in all their stores until they realized: “Wait a minute. We sell guns, too.”

Conan O’Brien: This afternoon, President Bush held a news conference where he accused the Democrats of playing politics with the firing of the U.S. attorneys. You know, the attorney he fired for not playing politics.

Jay Leno: Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn’t be a political issue. It should be a moral issue. And Congress said: “A moral issue? I’m sorry you lost us there.”

Jay Leno: “According to a new study, one-third of Washington, DC is illiterate. Unfortunately, it’s the third that’s in charge of the government. That’s the sad part.”

Jay Leno: “And the latest trend in home building now is these custom houses that have two master bedrooms — one for him and one for her. See, once again, the Clintons were ahead of their time.”

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