Late Night Pointen September 2007
Jay Leno: “I guess ‘Resident Evil’ drew a lot of attention this past weekend. Not the movie, the Iranian president.”
Jay Leno: “As you know, the president of Iran, Mahmoud ‘I’m A Nut Job’ has arrived in the United States. You know he was issued a visa to come here? Isn’t that amazing? You need a visa to get into the United States now? When did they start with that?”
Jay Leno: “And the ‘Forbes’ list of the 400 richest Americans is out. Everybody on the list is now a billionaire. You can’t even be a millionaire and be on the list. You have to be a billionaire to be on the list. So, see that? The Bush tax cuts are working.”
Conan O’Brien: “The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City today, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. Yeah. Yeah, the New Yorkers said, ‘If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we’ll take a cab.”
Conan O’Brien: “Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at a conference on global warming, and he said, ‘The time has come to stop looking back at the Kyoto Protocol.’ Afterwards, people said, ‘We didn’t solve anything, but it was really fun hearing Arnold say Kyoto Protocol.”
Conan O’Brien: “But during his speech at Columbia University, President Ahmadinejad says his country, this is a quote, ‘doesn’t have a problem with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran,’” which “finally explains why Ahmadinejad gets away with wearing a windbreaker from 1983.”
Jay Leno: According to a new study, Americans are now fatter than ever. We are more obese and exercising less than ever before. That’s why Facebook is so popular now. We’re too fat to get into MySpace.
Conan O’Brien: In Mississippi, a Taco Bell restaurant had to close after employees found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the Taco Bell said it was the first time they’ve ever seen a snake with diarrhea.
Conan O’Brien: Tomorrow, President Bush is scheduled to meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao, and President Bush says he plans to deliver a message of “concern and encouragement.” Or, as Bush calls it, “conceragement.”
Jay Leno: “Well, there’s a big summit meeting in Australia. President Bush called the APEC conference the OPEC conference. He called the Australian troops Austrian troops. And he left the stage the wrong way. He was given the wrong information when he got there. He stumbled when he was there and couldn’t figure out how to leave. It’s like Iraq all over again.”
Jay Leno: “And the country of Spain has authorized putting straight jackets…on illegal immigrants caught in their country and sending them back. We do a similar thing here in America when we catch them. We put them in Wal-Mart uniforms.”
Bill Maher: “Osama bin Laden appears to be wearing a fake beard. That’s why Bush can’t find him — he is cunningly disguised himself as Osama bin Laden!”
Jay Leno: “Osama bin Laden…makes an appearance once or twice a year to show he’s still alive. Kind of like the Rolling Stones.”
Conan O’Brien: “It appears bin Laden’s now dying his beard to look younger. … Yeah, at first people were unsure why bin Laden wanted to look younger, but then today he joined Match.com.”
David Letterman: “Well, earlier today the big Iraq report. General Petraeus, he says that these troops can start coming home next summer. I believe his exact words were, ‘And then it’s Hillary’s mess.”
Jay Leno: Russia has tested a new bomb that they say is as powerful as a nuclear bomb but does not contaminate the environment the way a nuclear bomb does. Nice to see the Russians going green.
Jay Leno: “And the upcoming season of the hit show ‘Survivor’ looks pretty good. This year, the show takes place in China. Apparently they dropped 16 castaways at a toy factory. The last one to get lead poisoning wins $1 million.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “He could get life in prison for all this. Isn’t that something? You kill two people, you get nothing; but steal your own football jersey, you go away for life.”
Conan O’Brien: “One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won’t press charges. In exchange, O.J. has promised not to double murder the man.”
Jimmy Kimmel, on the former Mexican president’s comments about George Bush: “Fox also says Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, in fairness, he speaks grade school English too.”
Jay Leno: “Bill Clinton was in town last night. He was giving a speech at the home of a wealthy campaign contributor in Brentwood when the power went out. … L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was there too. Embarrassing moment: When the lights came back on … both of them had their hand on the same woman’s ass.”
Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, the Secretary of Education spoke to a group of school children in Cleveland. Mm-hmm. Yeah. She told the students that if they get a good education, they can get the hell out of Cleveland.”
Conan O’Brien: The Israeli police announced this week that they will no longer arrest first-time drug users. When he heard this, Snoop Dogg said, “Shalom.”