Late Night Pointen Oktober 2007

Jay Leno: “Dick Cheney and Barack Obama … are eighth cousins. Isn’t that amazing? Even more amazing, Dick Cheney, Darth Vader — second cousins.”

Jay Leno: “Isn’t that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party.”

Jay Leno: “The Dalai Lama told President Bush that he had seen evil firsthand. President Bush said, ‘Great, you got to meet Vice President Cheney.’”

Conan O’Brien: “During a speech at the Capitol yesterday, the Dalai Lama admitted that his English language skills equal those of a kindergartner’s. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‘No one likes a show-off.’”

Jay Leno: “This week, President Bush said that Congress needs to give him more power to spy on Americans by making changes to the Protect America Act. Did you ever notice they always give these pieces of legislation names you can’t disagree with? The Protect America Act. … Give it a fair name. At least call it the Ignore The Constitution Act.”

Jay Leno: “The Dalai Lama was given the — what is it? The Medal of Freedom? Is that what he was given? As you know, the Dalai Lama does not engage in sex, drugs, alcohol or tobacco, which raises the question, what was Congress honoring him for?“

Jay Leno: “And, of course, China was not happy with the U.S. honoring the Dalai Lama. They were very upset about it. In fact, listen to this, China is so angry they’re threatening to quit pirating our movies and DVDs for an entire week.“

Jay Leno: “President Bush, for some reason, has vetoed the child health insurance plan. I believe his comment was ‘childrens do get sick, but childrens do get better again.’”

Jay Leno: “And recently, Hillary Clinton was asked what role her husband, Bill, would play if she becomes president. And Hillary said Bill would be sent around the world as a roving ambassador. Gee, I wonder which one of them came up with that idea?”

Conan O’Brien: “President Bush is now reaching out to different cultures, which, I think, is a good thing. I don’t know if you heard about this, but last night President Bush had dinner with a group of Muslims at the White House, and he quoted the Prophet Mohammed. Yeah. Yeah. I think it’s a good thing, yeah. But there was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Mohammed as the greatest boxer of all time.”

Conan O’Brien: “During a recent speech, President Bush said, this is a quote, ‘My job is a decision making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.’ Apparently, Bush’s decision that day was to write his own speech.”

Conan O’Brien: “Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union, which, of course, no longer exists. Yeah. Yeah, Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin.”

Conan O’Brien: “President Bush’s daughter Jenna is now saying she doesn’t want to get married at the White House. She wants her wedding to be in Crawford, Texas. Yeah. Yeah, when asked why, Jenna said, ‘I want my dad to be there.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Well, political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. Yeah. Yeah, when he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, ‘How about Salma Hayek?’”

Jay Leno: “Well, last night was the premiere of the big show, ‘Dancing Around the Issues,’ otherwise known as the Democratic presidential debate.”

Conan O’Brien: “Last night…was the eighth Democratic presidential debate. … No, it was a kind of interesting debate, actually, last night. It was fascinating. Some political experts were shocked at how much the other Democratic candidates attacked Hillary Clinton during the debate. Yeah, they really went after her. Yeah. And even more shocking was when Bill Clinton yelled, ‘Get her.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Speaking of Bill Clinton, yesterday at a global conference on poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Yeah. Yeah, before the meeting, Clinton looked at himself in the mirror, took a deep breath and said, ‘Bill, this is the moment you’ve been training for your whole life.’”

Jimmy Kimmel: “There was a debate between the Republican candidates for president in Baltimore tonight. The debate focused on minority issues and it was at Morgan State University, which is a black college. … None of the top four Republican candidates were there. Giuliani, McCain, Romney and Thompson, not one of them showed up. Apparently, they all had scheduling conflicts that prevented them from going to a place where no one will vote for them.”

Jay Leno: “Oh, this Saturday in Washington, D.C., they will hold the seventh annual National Book Festival. First lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joy of reading. And then President Bush will give the rebuttal.”

David Letterman:
“Yeah, President Bush says he’s really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced he is sending 20,000 troops to the sun.”

Conan O’Brien: “Today is the first day American citizens are required to have a passport if they want to get into Mexico. It’s a new rule. You have to have a passport to get into Mexico. Previously, all you needed to get into a Mexico was a hankering for diarrhea.”

Conan O’Brien: Today, President Bush had a historic meeting with the Dalai Lama. He met the Dalai Lama, yeah. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw what the Dalai Lama was wearing and said, “Don’t tell me they lost your luggage.“

Bill Maher: The Turkish parliament just voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. And President Bush was furious. He said, “What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?“

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